13 things Congress has in common with Jason Voorhees

Happy Friday the 13th! I’m a big fan of Halloween and horror movies, so a Friday the 13th in October is a pretty big deal to me. In honor of today’s “holiday,” I decided to have a little fun and put together a 13-point comparison between Jason Voorhees and Congress. When you think about it, the similarities are pretty scary! While we don’t have the ability to make Camp Crystal Lake safer for counselors and summer campers, the League will keep doing what we can to protect you from the dangerous policies coming out of Congress.

1.They are prone to slashing things. The federal budget passed by the U.S. House of Representatives recently is nearly as bloody and brutal as a “Friday the 13th” movie, containing some of the worst cuts to support programs in recent history.

2.They prefer to utilize masks. While Jason uses a mask to hide his face (and for good reason), Congress prefers to mask their motives—they cut healthcare for millions while saying they’re helping them and give absurdly large tax breaks to the wealthy while saying they’re helping the little guy.

3.They are relentless and just won’t quit. Say what you will about Jason, but he is not easily deterred. Similarly, Congress has managed to disregard public opinion, compelling personal stories and multiple political failures—their bad policies just…keep…coming.

4.They prey on the most vulnerable. If you’re a senior, a person with a disability, a woman or a person of color, you’re unfortunately not going to fare well in most horror movies. Similarly, Congress’ federal budget and many iterations of healthcare “reform” keep coming after our most vulnerable residents.

5.They improvise and use whatever weapons are at their disposal. Just as Jason is known for capitalizing on weapons of opportunity (I mean, the party horn!?), Congress uses a variety of weapons to push their policy agenda, from procedural changes that make their bills easier to pass and harder to defeat, to cutting funding to push an agenda they can’t pass legislatively.

6.They make things you used to enjoy scary. Summer camp, swimming, bonfires and just about everything else you like about being outdoors in the summer have been tainted by Jason. Congress has threatened to do the same with affordable quality healthcare, economic security and dependable government services, turning them against us.

7.They keep coming back from the dead. Since he’s technically already dead, Jason does not die easily, and even when he does, he comes back multiple times and for myriad sequels. Similarly, Congress’ efforts to repeal the Affordable Care Act (the American Health Care Act, the Better Care Reconciliation Act and the Cassidy-Graham plan) keep dying…and keep coming back.

8.They punish drug and alcohol users. Any fan of the “Friday the 13th” movies will tell you that using drugs and alcohol often means an accelerated demise. By continuing to threaten the Affordable Care Act and its particular protections for substance use disorders, including the opioid epidemic rocking Michigan, Congress is also placing drug and alcohol abusers in danger.

9.They don’t listen to reason. Jason’s single-mindedness is impenetrable to logic or reason. Sadly, most of the time, so is Congress.

10.They hold on to grudges way too long. If you really want to psychoanalyze it, the whole “Friday the 13th” franchise is based on a decades-old grudge and a primal desire for revenge. Congress still seems a little obsessed with undoing as much of President Barack Obama’s legacy as they can, particularly with the ACA.

11.They are terrorizing our woods and waters. Just as “Friday the 13th” movies have ruined your enjoyment of crystal lakes and pristine woods, Congress’ cuts to environmental protections in the budget and potential oil drilling in wildlife refuges are doing the same.

12.They fear outsiders. Jason generally only terrorizes people he considers outsiders to his turf of Crystal Lake. Similarly, Congress continues to vilify immigrants to our country and pursue legislation to harm and intimidate them.

13.They prefer to operate under a cloak of darkness. While Jason does not fear the light of day, he generally prefers to do most of his damage late at night and after dark, especially while people are sleeping. Congress is known to take a similar tact, taking important votes like the Better Care Reconciliation Act in the middle of the night and doing a lot of wheeling and dealing in the shadows.

— Alex Rossman, Communications Director